All those who believe in telekinesis, raise 
my hand. 

      I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she 
left me before we met. 

      OK, so what's the speed of dark? 

      Depression is merely anger without 
enthusiasm. 

      When everything is coming your way, you're 
in the wrong lane. 

      Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness 
pays off now. 

      Everyone has a photographic memory. Some 
just don't have film. 

      Shin: a device for finding furniture in the 
dark. 

      Many people quit looking for work when they 
find a job. 

      I intend to live forever - so far, so good. 
      Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get 
sucked into jet engines. 

      24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a 
case.....coincidence? 

      When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind 
gets pretty crowded. 

      What happens if you get scared half to 
death twice? 

      I used to have an open mind but my brains 
kept falling out. 

      I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made 
your horn louder. 

      If at first you don't succeed, destroy all 
evidence that you tried. 

      Experience is something you don't get until 
just after you need it. 

      For every action, there is an equal and 
opposite criticism. 

      No one is listening until you make a 
mistake. 

      Success always occurs in private, and 
failure in full view. 

      The colder the X-ray table, the more of 
your body is required to be   on it. 

    The hardness of the butter is proportional to 
the softness of the bread. 

      The severity of the itch is proportional to 
the reach. 

      To steal ideas from one person is 
plagiarism -- to steal from many is research. 
    
  The problem with the gene pool is that there is 
no lifeguard. 

      Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of 
your life. 

      The sooner you fall behind, the more time 
you'll have to catch up. 

      A clear conscience is usually the sign of a 
bad memory. 

      If you must choose between two evils, pick 
the one you've never   tried before. 

      A fool and his money are soon partying. 

      Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 
    
  If you think nobody cares about you, try 
missing a couple of payments. 

      Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least 
it's the scenic route. 

      I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 

      Bills travel through the mail at twice the 
speed of checks. 

      Borrow money from pessimists-they don't 
expect it back. 

      Half the people you know are below average. 
      99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad 
name. 

      42.7 percent of all statistics are made up 
on the spot.